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Drown

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i am afraid of the tidal wave in me

and what will happen

when i let the undertow pull me down below.

i am afraid i will drown,

fingers clawing for the surface but only finding

sand and water.

i am afraid of the dark cold beneath the current

churning and swirling me

until i cannot tell up from

down.

i am afraid to never emerge from the deep waters of my grief.

to never feel the warm kiss of sunshine on my skin,

or the caress of my love’s hands.

to lose the delight in my creativity,

and the intimate connection of eye contact held just too long.

i am afraid that they all will abandon me

as i dive into the tidal way,

embracing the thousand-year sorrow

my soul bears in this lifetime.

yet still I plunge myself down

down down down

into the depths

into the dark

into the grief.

for if not me, then who?

if not now, as this form, in this lifetime, when?

i follow the siren call of my soul’s purpose

to flow in the dark waters

and drown.

but my fingers feel the air above me and ancestral hands holding me safe

my feet root deep into the earth beneath me.

i drown to rise again on the crest of the tidal wave,

ready to pull up my descendants from these same depths

a little shallower with every crash,

a little calmer after every plunge.

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Written November 2023